Not Your Just Because Excerpts
Only His Beautiful Lie
Hayvin
It took me three years to understand how truly foolish I’ve been. Three years of loving a man so deeply that I ignored the signs that were right in front of me if I had only been paying attention. The ones that warned me that his heart wasn’t mine for the taking.
I sit up in bed and watch Alek pace around the room, his hand reaching up to squeeze the back of his neck occasionally as he listens to David on the phone. His eyes keep jerking to me before skittering away and something about those little looks has my stomach roiling.
“They broke up?” he asks, something in his tone making me sit straighter and tighten the blanket around me like it can ward off whatever negative vibes I feel in the air.
Of course, it’s about Jerica.
It’s always about her.
When I first met Alek, I thought the one I’d be competing with was Charlie. It was only after meeting her a few times that I realized that wasn’t the case. She and Alek share a really deep bond, one he’s been completely open and honest with me about. They love each other, but not in a way that ever threatened me. How could their love and friendship ever make me feel that way when Alek made me feel like the only one he sees? It also helped that Charlie was completely in love with Keaton.
I didn’t really start catching on to the whole Jerica thing until around the beginning of our second year together. We were all at a cookout that Charlie and Keaton were hosting at their new place. It was only one of the few times that Alek actually took me around his friends, and now that I think back on that, it’s just another sign of how much of a naïve fool I’ve been. They all knew we were in a serious relationship, or at least I thought they did, but if he wasn’t taking me around them, then maybe they didn’t. I’m questioning everything about our relationship now.
We’d only been at Charlie and Keaton’s for about an hour when David Baladucci, Alek’s best friend, came knocking, bringing along his sister Jerica and her long-term boyfriend Reggie. It was only the second time I’d ever met her, but I’d heard about her plenty, considering who her brother is to my boyfriend.
The change in Alek the moment Jerica came in was instantaneous, and I don’t know why it took me so long to connect it. I must have really been blind or deep in denial, because the way he distanced himself from me was so freaking obvious. He’d smile at me, but they were tighter around the edges. His hugs became looser and for the rest of the night, it was actually a pretty lonely fucking existence. When we finally got to his place, we were both pretty tipsy, so as soon as we stumbled through the door, we were all over each other. Clothes were pulled off, bodies came together in a fit of angry passion, and lips and teeth left marks of faux ownership behind. It was a fiery battle of lust, love, anger, and every other emotion combined that we could fit into our drunken, silent, passionate fight.
Now that I think back on it, I believe I was fighting for him to see me and he was fighting to try not to see her.
By the time it was over, the only thing I remember was suddenly feeling sober and the need for a shower, because the interlude only left me feeling extremely dirty.
Things were back to normal after that. Mainly because Jerica went back to her home state with Reggie, but a lot of it had to do with me rug sweeping.
God, I’ve been so fucking stupid.
Jerica, though, it’s like if she’s out of sight, she’s out of mind for both of us. At least that’s what I tell myself. I don’t think it’s that easy if he and David are always talking about her, but I’ve been pretty good at ignoring that shit, too.
I shake my head, laughing silently at my naivety. At my stupid doormat behavior. Did I really let this dude pull me in so deeply that I lost the part of myself that used to refuse to put up with this kind of thing?
About six months after the cookout, Alek asked me to move in with him. We were doing good. We were in a much better place than that night. So good, in fact, that I was sure my mind just got carried away with me that day and I was only seeing things.
These last six months of living together have been beyond anything I could imagine, but there’s always something missing.
Something that’s always just out of reach.
If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have told you that my future was clear. It was me and Alek and wherever our life took us together. But now when I think of my future, all I see is an empty void, and that’s something that’s never happened before.
“She’s moving back to Granite Bay?”
My throat tightens at the hopeful note in his voice, and it’s at that moment that I know.
It’s never been me.
I’ve just been the fill-in until the one he truly wanted to be with became available. For three years, I’ve been nothing more than Alek’s beautiful lie.
A bitter laugh breaks from my chest and grabs Alek’s attention. His brows furrow as he stares at me with worry. I just keep laughing at the joke my life has suddenly become and wave at him dismissively to carry on his conversation.
My laughter dissolves into silence, and my eyes fill with tears as he resumes his pacing.
“When are you leaving to help her?” He nods at whatever David says, shooting me a glance. “Yeah, that should be okay.” His brows draw together and he turns toward me. “I’ll let her know, but why would Hayvin mind?”
My lungs stop working as I stare at his blurry form. It’s crazy how words that are normally so simple somehow can claw their way into my soul and latch on, digging deep and leaving vicious gouges behind when they’re removed.
How sad is it that his best friend was concerned enough about me, but my boyfriend of three years wasn’t? There was never a thought in his mind that I would ever have a reason to have a problem with him doing this. Like what happened a year ago never happened.
Would I have realized sooner that I was his second choice if Jerica was around and we were interacting with her more? Would me and Alek have gotten together to begin with?
I hate that I’m questioning every moment of our relationship now because there was so much of it I was happy. My eyes are open now and it’s like the entire foundation we have built it on is a giant lie. There’s a part of my soul that tears off and withers to dust at the thought, leaving the jagged, sharp edges of the other parts behind. If one gets too close, they’re liable to feel the stinging slices of my broken soul.
My thoughts are a broken mess as I climb from the bed and grab some clothes from the dresser. Alek is so busy listening to David on the phone and packing a duffel bag that I’ve become a mere afterthought.
I stumble, my knees hitching, and I catch myself on the dresser as I glimpse what my future will look like if I stay. Inside my chest, my heart thuds dully as I watch my love in the mirror through empty eyes as he laughs and carries on with his best friend while getting ready to leave me to go to her.
The one he wishes I was. His first choice. His ugly truth.
I’ve turned so far into myself that when his hand touches my shoulder he startles me so badly my body jerks and slams into the dresser hard.
“Fuck, baby girl. Are you okay? Let me see.”
Jerking away from him, I smile tightly, hoping he ignores the wetness in my eyes. “I’m good. Just a bump.” My eyes fall to the duffel sitting on the bed and the fake smile fades. “So, you’re going to Jerica then.”
He leans back and stares at me with furrowed brows. “I’m going with David to help her move.”
“Back here?”
“Yes,” he replies sharply.
The more we speak, the cooler my body gets until I’m fighting the chattering of my teeth. “What is it about you and her, Alek?”
Alek leans away and holds his body rigidly. “What are you talking about, Vin? She’s my best friend’s sister.”
“God, Alek. I don’t know who you’re trying to fool. Me or yourself. I honestly think it’s both of us and it makes me so angry at you.”
“I don’t have time for this ridiculous shit, Hayvin. David is on his way over here. I don’t know what happened between last night and right now, but I don’t enjoy seeing you like this.”
I scoff, and his brows snap together at a sound he’s rarely heard from me. “You don’t enjoy seeing me like this, Alek, but you’re the reason I am like this. When we got together, I was upfront with you. I told you from the very beginning what I wanted for my future and you fucking accepted that. You accepted that and chased me until I gave in. You knew I wanted it all. Love, marriage, babies. I never hid that from you. So, when you came after and you fought me for a relationship, I took that as you being on the same page. As you wanting the same things as I did.” I swipe at the tears that drip from my eyes. “But you fooled us both.”
His face softens and there’s something in his eyes that I want to believe, but after everything I’ve witnessed, I no longer have it in me to.
Alek cups my cheeks in his hands. “Baby girl. No. I want you. I have from the moment I laid eyes on you. You stole my breath and you keep stealing it every day. I don’t know where all of this is coming from. What’s going on, Vin? Where’s your head at?”
“I love you, Alek.”
God, if the situation wasn’t so fucking sad, I’d probably laugh at how fast he drops his hands and steps away.
And I do laugh, but it’s broken, and it’s full of pain and tears. “Three years. I’ve given you three years of my life, Alek. I’ve loved you for two and half of them. It was something I knew you weren’t ready to hear, so I kept it to myself, but if after three years you don’t love me, then I’m doing nothing but wasting my time and my future.”
“We’ll talk when I get back.”
“There’s no point in it. There’s nothing left to say.”
Alek takes a step toward me, but this time, it’s me that steps away. “I don’t accept that.”
“What happens now that Jerica is finally free and moving back to Granite Bay?” I ask quietly, crossing my arms over myself.
He doesn’t say anything, only staring at me through those eyes of his that I once thought were the most beautiful things in the world.
My chin trembles as I stare back at him and smile sadly. “Yeah, I thought so.” I work my jaw back and forth as I fight the tears that fill my eyes. “You’re fucking selfish, Alek. Three years ago, you made me second choice, knowing you’d never give me what I wanted. That was never fair to me. All I ever wanted from you was to be loved by you. I wanted to be your one and only, Alek, not your just because.”
He growls and runs his fingers through his hair. “This is ridiculous, Hayvin.”
He paces back and forth in front of me and I can tell from the way he opens and closes his hands that he’s fighting his need to reach out to me. Alek has to touch me. It’s his thing, and it’s killing him that I’m not letting him do that.
Alek pulls his phone from his pocket when it goes off and his fingers fly over the screen, replying to whoever it is.
Probably fucking Jerica, exclaiming how she’s sooo happy that he’s coming to help her move.
“David’s almost here,” he tells me, shoving his phone in his pocket and stopping in front of me. “We will talk when I get back home.” He leans in to kiss me, but I turn my head. There’s no way I can stomach it, knowing that he’s going to her after leaving here.
With a sigh, he grasps my chin, holding me in place, and stares down at me. “You’re killing me, baby girl.”
“Then it looks like we’re both dying, Hot Shot,” I reply in a monotone, pulling away from him. I grab his bag and hand it to him. “You better go on. Wouldn’t want you to miss this special reunion, now would we?”
With a sigh, he ignores my words and grabs the duffel from my hand before heading into the living room, already knowing I’m following. “I’ll call you when we get there,” he says quietly, making his way to the door.
“Alek,” I call out, my voice breaking. He turns to me and I do pretty well at pretending I don’t see the hope in his eyes. “If I asked you to stay here, would you do it? Would you stay with me? Because we are not okay, Alek. We are so far from it. So, tell me. If I asked you to stay, would you do it?”
I can see the struggle in his eyes and I know the answer before he even opens his mouth. “That’s not fair, Hayvin. David is my best friend,” he replies gruffly.
Shaking my head, I smile sadly. “Yeah, but it’s not David you’re going for, is it?” A horn blares from outside. “Your ride is here.” I stare at him for a few more seconds, knowing this is the last time I’m going to get to freely look at the face I’ve fallen stupidly in love with. “Have a safe trip. Goodbye, Alek.”
The sad part about him being distracted by David being here is that he doesn’t even catch the meaning behind my words.
“We’ll talk when I get back, baby girl,” he says before pulling the door shut behind him.
As soon as he’s gone, I grab my phone and call Everleigh, my best friend, and fill her in on what happened and what I need from her. Like I knew she would, she reassures me she’ll be here shortly and I pack as soon as we hang up.
I’m on autopilot, doing my best not to think. If I do that, if I give myself time to do that, then I’m going to be curled up in a ball when she gets here and I’ll never get out of here. I have to be out of here before Alek comes home.
Clothes. Bag. Zip.
Shoes. Bag. Zip.
Makeup. Bag. Zip.
I repeat the process until the bed is piled with every bag I walked into this apartment with six months ago. It’s only when I’m zipping the last one that I allow myself time to look around at what my life’s become.
A bunch of packed bags on a bed that I used to share with a man that’s in love with someone else.
The thought, for some reason, makes me laugh.
And laugh.
And laugh.
Until those laughs turn into broken sobs that have me curling in on myself.
Then Ever’s arms wrap around me and my best friend holds me together while I break apart. When my shaking stops, she pulls away and peers down at me. “What do you need?”
“Out of here.”
“Then let’s blow this joint, toots.”
On the way to Everleigh’s, I text Charlie and tell her what’s going on, but I request she please not mention anything to him until he gets back. The only thing I want is to make a clean break. I deserve that much after being strung along for three freaking years. When she agrees, I finally relax and rest my head against the window, watching the scenery roll past.
I wish I could say that if I’d known this would have been my ending when I met Alek, I would have walked away. It’d be nice to think that I was strong enough to do that back then. The truth is that I was so infatuated with him from the start that I was willing to overlook anything that would mess with having a life with him. I know it’s just really blaming me for something that’s not really my fault. Sure, I could have opened my eyes a little more to him, but Alek never treated me any differently unless Jerica was around. It’s hard to measure that when we’d only been around her twice in a three-year period.
Blowing hot air against the window, I draw a broken heart and then erase it.
What matters now is that I found the strength to put myself first, because that’s what I deserve. If he can’t love me, then I have to love myself.
Check Your Feelings
Alek
There’s a clawing under my skin that’s refused to go away ever since David pulled away from my house. I don’t pretend to not understand where it comes from. It’s the same feeling I get every time Hayvin and I have an argument. It happened the night of the cookout at Charlie and Keaton’s a year ago when we had a huge blow-up once we got back to my place.
It’s not lost on me that most of our fights, which are very few, revolve around one person, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? Cut one of my friends out of my life? She’s my best friend’s twin sister, for fuck’s sake. The shit is just all ridiculous. Hayvin was coming at me like there’s something she’s got to worry about between me and Jerica.
It’s not like that with us.
The last thing I ever expected was for Jerica and Reggie to split up. Again, anyway. Those two were crazy in love the last time I talked to them. There was even talk about getting married. I wasn’t sure it was a smart move for her because there’s always been something about that guy that I don’t like, but it’s not my place.
There was a time when I thought there might be something between us. Right before me and Charlie had our fling, she thought I was in love with Jerica and said I should tell her. The girl was crazy, but when I had to go out of town on business with her and David, and learned she and Reggie were taking a break for some asinine reason, I figured I’d put some feelers out. She politely rejected me, told me she was in love with Reggie, and that she saw me as her brother. Not gonna lie. That shit stung, but once I was out of her presence, I realized she was right. I let Charlie get into my head or some shit because the only thing I felt for Jerica was mild annoyance that she rejected me and affection because she’s my best friend’s little sister.
I’m not sure why everyone else wants to fucking see something that’s not there.
“Hayvin doing okay?” David asks quietly. “Usually she’s at the door when you leave.”
It doesn’t hit me until he mentions it.
This time, she didn’t walk me to the door.
Anytime I’ve had to go on business trips with David over the past three years, she’d make sure that we got every second together, right down to the moment I walked out. Even before she moved in with me, I would make her come over and stay the night before I left. It became something that I look forward to anytime I’d leave the house. Knowing that I was that important to someone did crazy things to me. After the past I grew up with and the shitty, cold house I grew up in, having that set my blood on fire.
So, why the fuck didn’t I realize my girl wasn’t at my door this time?
I fold my arms over my chest and glare out the window. “She’s upset.”
“Because you didn’t tell her you were coming or because of who you’re going for?”
His words have me jerking my head toward him with a scowl. “What do you mean? Why would it matter? She knows that you’re my best friend. It shouldn’t matter who I’m going for. Jerica is your sister and my friend. All I’m doing is going with you to help her move. Why is that such a big fucking deal?”
“Can I ask you something?” He glances over to catch my nod and then continues, “Why don’t you all hang with your friends very much? Did you know that none of the people we work with even realize you’re in a relationship? I brought you all up in conversation the other day and they had no idea who the fuck Hayvin was. They thought she was one of your random hookups and not the person you’ve been in a three-year relationship with.”
I pull at the collar of my shirt and shift around in the seat as an uncomfortable feeling settles inside me. “My relationship has been no one’s business. Why would people we work with know? They’re not my friends. They’re just coworkers. If I don’t associate with them outside of work, why would you assume I would tell them about my relationship with Hayvin?”
David taps his fingers against the steering wheel and nods. “So why do they know about all the others in your life?”
“Because they weren’t important.”
He smirks. “Including Charlie?”
The mention of my other best friend throws me off. Where the hell is he going with this shit?
“Of course, she’s important,” I retort with a scowl.
“So why do they know about Charlie and your fling with her but didn’t have the first clue about you and Hayvin?” he asks quietly.
The cab of the truck fills with silence as his question runs through my mind. How did I not realize that was what I was doing? It’s not something I’ve done intentionally. Hayvin is mine, and I’m such a possessive bastard with her that I hate sharing her with anyone, even my friends. We always hang out with her friends because she belonged to them before I came along, and Everleigh would kick my ass if I tried to keep her best friend from her anyway. So, even if I am a possessive fuck, her best friend is too and I don’t feel like going to war with her because that tiny woman is likely to win the battle.
“That must be what set this argument off,” I mutter, watching the trees fly past as my brain plays over everything.
“Talk it out, brother.”
Grabbing my bottle of Gatorade, I take a few drinks to wet the back of my throat and then shove it back in the cupholder. I blow out a breath and rest my head back against the seat. “Fuck man. I don’t even know what to make of most of it. I know we are going to have a lot to talk about when I get back home, though, because she was saying some crazy shit. For some reason, she has it in her head that she’s my second choice.” David snorts, and I roll my head to peer over at him. “What was that for?”
David shakes his head. “You’re a dumb fuck. You’ll eventually figure it out. What else did she say?”
Yeah, no way am I telling my best friend that my girlfriend thinks I have something for his sister. It’s bullshit and I’m not willing to lose my friendship over a stupid fucking lie.
“Let me take a wild guess. She is concerned with Jerica coming back home to Granite Bay as a single woman.”
“Something like that,” I grumble.
We’re stopped at a stop sign a few blocks from Jerica and Reggie’s when he turns to me with a serious expression.
“I think you need to take the time while you’re away from Hayvin to figure out why she feels that way. You’re a smart dude, Alek. You know women pay attention to shit. Especially when a woman loves a man. I don’t know Hayvin as well as I should, considering she’s been dating my best friend for the last three years, but I know her enough to know she loves you.”
“She said it for the first time this morning,” I admit quietly.
He peers over at me quickly before taking off when a car pulls up behind us. “How did you feel?”
“They’re just words, man. I don’t fucking know. Surprised. Wary. Wanting to run.” I reach up and rub the back of my neck. “Look, can we just let it be? I’ll get shit sorted when I get home. Things are okay. It was just a little tense this morning, and it’s my fault because I didn’t clear things up with my girl. Neither of us like when we argue, but man the makeup sex is out of this world with her. We’ll both enjoy that when I get back.”
David sighs. “I think you’re fooling yourself, man. For Hayvin not to walk you to the door? That’s big. From what you’re saying, she’s telling you how she feels, but it doesn’t seem like you’re hearing her. Or maybe you just don’t want to because that would mean you’ll have to face things you don’t want to look closely at. You’d have to admit things you don’t want to admit.”
“Just fucking drop it,” I growl when he pulls into Jerica’s driveway.
“You need to figure it out, Alek. Dig deep and check your feelings because they’re there.” He climbs down from his truck and glances at me. “You just need to figure out who they’re there for,” he says quietly, shocking me, before shutting his truck door.
I’m swamped with confusion as I watch him stare at me through the window. Why does he assume I don’t know what I feel? Why are they all assuming that? Me being in a committed relationship with Hayvin should tell everyone what I feel because I’ve never been in one before her. The closest I ever came was the…situationship I had with Charlie. Even that was easy, though, because I knew there was an end to us. I knew from the start I didn’t have a chance of ever owning her heart because she gave that away to Keaton when they were kids. We had fun, and it’s never going to be something I regret because we both gave each other something that we needed at the time. Charlie and Keaton are good together. So good that sometimes it still confuses the hell out of me how he could ever cheat on her. I’ve witnessed the love they have for one another. But if you love someone like that, how the fuck was it so easy for him to betray it? To betray her? She gave him another chance, and he’s never once dropped the ball on fixing what he broke between them, but I can sometimes still see the pain in Charlie’s eyes. Especially if there are certain things that are mentioned. Between my parents and the relationship with Charlie and Keaton, I saw how easily love could be betrayed.
That doesn’t mean Hayvin is my second choice. She’s my girl. Why is everyone trying to make me think differently? I’ve given my all to this relationship with her, and the fact that everyone is questioning that is frankly pissing me the hell off.
I’m jerked from my thoughts when the front door slams open and Jerica comes rushing out to meet her brother. My eyes roam over her as I climb from the truck.
She looks good. There’s a sort of sadness that she carries on her shoulders right now, but she’s still just as pretty as she always is.
Jerica glances up at me after pulling away from her brother and gives me a small lopsided smile that’s kind of endearing. “You came.” Her eyes go to the truck and then back to me before she wraps her arms around me for a hug. “Hayvin didn’t come?”
My chest tightens at her words, and I carefully extract myself after giving her a light squeeze in return. Guilt churns in my stomach, and it aggravates me because I’ve done the same thing a million freaking times. I blame David and Hayvin because there was no issue with hugging my friends until they made it seem like there was. Now everything is going to be fucking awkward when it’s always just been innocent.
“Now she stayed back. Had some shit to do.” I pull my cell from my pocket and hold it up with a little smile. “I’m actually going to call her and let her know we made it, and then I’ll be in to start helping you pack.”
Jerica sighs. “Thanks, Alek.” She squeezes my arm and gives me a sad smile. “I should have taken you up on your offer at the hotel that weekend those few years ago. I wouldn’t be in the pain I’m in now. We’d probably be pretty great together.”
Her hand trails down my arm as she walks away, and I can only stand there in a frozen stupor, watching her go as her words play over in my head.
My heart pounds in my chest, and my hands grow clammy. What the fuck just happened? Why the hell would she say something like that?
I shake my head to clear my thoughts, not ready to deal with whatever crazy shit that was. Right now, I need to check on my woman. I need to hear her voice because there’s something inside me that doesn’t feel right and it’s scaring the fuck out of me.
The phone rings in my ear, and I pace back and forth in the driveway as I wait for Hayvin to answer.
But she doesn’t, and that’s just another thing that sends me spinning in an already fucked up day because in the three years we’ve been together, I can count the times she’s not answered my calls one hand.
“Hey, baby girl. I just want to let you know we made it. I fucking hate when we fight. It drives me crazy because all I want to do is hold you tight and fix it. A lot of shit was said, and it’s made me see that we obviously have a lot to talk about. Hopefully, it won’t take us too long here, and then I can be back home with my beautiful girl. I already miss you. I l–” I blowout a breath. “Call me back when you get a minute, because I really need to hear your voice right now.”
It doesn’t once occur to me when I hang up after leaving the voicemail and shoving the phone in my pocket that she doesn’t answer my call because she’s finished with me. Nor does it occur to me that at the moment I’m helping another woman pack to move back home, my woman is packing to leave me.
They say you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. It’s too bad I couldn’t realize it before then because I’d have saved Hayvin a whole hell of a lot of pain. If only we were all born with the ability to see into the future because it’d probably save so much damn pain in this world.
“Friendly” Snakes and Obtuse Realizations
Alek
By the time the second day rolls around, I’m antsy as fuck to get home to my woman. I haven’t spoken to her since the day I left and the longer I go, the deeper these nails anchor into my skin. Thankfully, there’s only a few more boxes left to load in the back of David’s truck and then we can get the fuck on the road.
It shocked me that Reggie was actually staying away long enough for us to get her packed up, but through the conversations I’ve had with Jerica these last two days, I learned he doesn’t actually know she’s leaving. He’s been out of town the last week on business, but she found out the day that she called David that Reggie had been fucking around on her with his assistant, Erin, for the last four weeks. When I asked her how she found out, she explained how Erin called her right before they were about to fuck. She’s assuming it happened without Reggie knowing because after she listened to the entire fuck session, Erin whispered she thought Jerica should know, and then hung up.
Jerica delivered the news so dry eyed I didn’t know how to respond. I gave her a hug and told her he was a stupid motherfucker for cheating on her, but honestly, my mind has been so distracted with worry about Hayvin that I’m not able to give Jerica the attention she probably needs right now.
David and Jerica are busy in another room, so I step outside for a minute. Hayvin is obviously still upset with me and isn’t answering my calls, but I need to check in with her. The only person I can think of that might know anything is Everleigh and even if it might be a fifty-fifty chance with her, it’s one I need to take if it’ll get me in touch with my woman.
Pulling in a deep breath, I hit the phone icon next to Everleigh’s name. I lean back against the side of the house as I wait for her to answer and my thoughts drift to Hayvin like they have since I left home. Her words haunt me. They chase after me, taunting me with the truth behind some of them, and I fucking hate it. I just wish I knew which words held the truth because I want to dispute every single one of them. There’s something inside me that is telling me I’d be doing my woman a disservice if I did that, though.
“You’re lucky, you fucking cunt nugget, that I’m answering your call right now. What the hell do you want?” Everleigh answers.
My eyebrows reach my hairline as I stare with wide eyes up at the sky and my mouth opens and shuts as I try to find something to say.
“Oh, come on. Don’t be a little puss now, Alek. Actually, scratch that. It seems you’re superb at not saying shit, so I can’t say I’m surprised.”
This is the first time in three years that I’ve seen this side of Everleigh aimed at me and I’m stunned speechless. Each time I open my mouth to say something, shock renders me mute again. This is the side of Ever that I had hoped to never have to come face to face with because, if I’m honest, she’s scary as fuck.
Everleigh lets out a frustrated growl. “You know what? If you’re too much of an idiot to figure out where Hayvin is or why she’s not answering your calls, then you need to think long and hard about y’alls talk from the other day. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you. It’s not my job to help you figure out where you fucked up at. I never took you for a stupid man, Alek. I always had a small amount of respect for you and thought you were a decent guy because my best friend wouldn’t have fallen in love with you otherwise.” She gets quiet for a minute and I’m about to open my mouth to say something when I catch her sniffle from across the line. “You hurt her, Alek. The moment I opened my door to find my best friend falling into my arms in despair is the moment I lost all respect for you. It’s also when I understood that you’re so busy running from one thing while chasing another that you’ve been blind to what’s in front of you for the last three years. I pity you for that. So, to answer the question I’m sure you were calling to ask me, no, I don’t know where Vin is. No, I won’t let you talk to her when I see her, and no, I actually won’t tell her you called. I swear God wasted a good asshole when he put those fucking teeth in your mouth,” she finishes with a snarl before the line goes quiet.
I pull the phone from my ear just to check and stare down at the black screen as Everleigh’s words refuse to leave my head. Hayvin would be proud. Hell, I’m proud of her for standing up for my woman. I’m just really confused about why I’m so much of a bad guy.
Frustration gnaws at my skin as I try Hayvin’s number again. Just like every other time I’ve tried reaching her since I’ve been here, it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t even waste time leaving one this time because if I know my woman, she’s probably not even listening to them anyway.
That’s the crux of it all, ain’t it? Me knowing my woman. Because that’s the way it’s beginning to feel.
Grinding my teeth together, I find the message thread between us and pull it open so that I can send her another text message and fucking hope she pities me enough to fucking throw me a bone and not ignore this one too.
Me: Baby girl. I need to hear your voice. I need to know you’re okay. I should be home tomorrow, but I fucking hate not hearing from you. This is the longest we’ve been without speaking to each other, Hayvin, and I got to say…I’m not a huge fan of it, baby. Will you please call me when you can? I think I fucked up somewhere and I want to fix this because this distance…this tension, I ain’t good with it. Let me know what I need to do to make this right between us.
I hear Jerica and David coming out of the house, so I press send even though there’s a shit ton more I want to say. Suppose it’s not shit we need to talk about over the phone, anyway.
“Hey, you. I was wondering where you snuck off to,” Jerica says, shooting me a smile and coming to stand beside me after they drop their boxes off at the truck.
She’s closer than she normally is because I can actually feel the body heat off of her, and I’m not sure I like that. She’s been doing it a lot over the last two days, and each time has had something going on inside me I’ve never experienced around Jerica before. I’ve just been unable to pinpoint what it is.
I scoot away as subtly as I can. “Had to call Hayvin.”
Jerica snorts. “Had to? What? Does she have you by the balls, or is she afraid you’re going to fall in love with me while you’re here?”
My head jerks in her direction at her smug, condescending tone, and I narrow my eyes. “Being a bitch doesn’t make you pretty, Erica.”
She lets out a small gasp and her eyes widen and become glassy.
When I realize what I’ve said, I blow out a breath and grab the back of my neck. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just dealing with some shit and you caught some of it.”
“Don’t apologize to her. She was being a bitch, and it wasn’t even called for,” David says. “Something I’m surprised you haven’t learned by now, us Baladucci’s create chaos and hurt others when we’re hurting.” He shrugs. “It happens when you grow up in a family like ours. I just thought she’d finally gotten help for that or some shit. Hayvin still not answering you?”
His question has my frustration mounting again, and I push off the side of the house to pace back and forth in front of them. “No, she’s not. Fuck, I even reached out to Everleigh to get ahold of her, but only ran into the dark side of her. Whatever you do, don’t find yourself there because she’s fucking scary. How does she expect me to fix things if she won’t fucking talk to me? I know I’ll see her when I get home, but I don’t want this to wait.” I brush a hand through my hair with a loud growl and kick at the rock that keeps getting in my way. “Should have just stayed home.”
“So, why didn’t you?”
David’s question pulls me to a stop. Fuck. I didn’t mean to say that last part out loud.
So, why didn’t you?
My eyes bounce from David’s eyebrow lifted, smirking face to Jerica’s knowing one and back again as I work my jaw back and forth. “Because you needed my help.”
“Did we? Because you can see how little she has. I only asked if you wanted to come help me, not that we needed you to,” David replies.
“Maybe not, but you don’t leave your friends hanging when it’s something like this.”
David glances over at Jerica and then back at me, his eyes holding something I’m unable to decipher. “So, why didn’t you bring Hayvin with you?”
I open my mouth to give a reply when my mind blanks because I don’t have one. That does nothing but enrages me more, so I let out a slew of curse words and swing my fist into the side of the house. It’s the first time in a long fucking time that my anger has gotten the better of me.
“Naw, we’re done here. Let’s get this shit packed and loaded so I can get back to my woman. I miss the fuck out of here.”
Jerica lets out a little growl of annoyance, but I ignore her as I walk back to the house. I only make it until I’m right at her side though because fucking Reggie pulls into the goddamn driveway. She grabs ahold of my arm to keep me in place, and because I know the reason they broke up, I choose to stay so she doesn’t have to face him alone. David is here too, so hopefully, the two of us are enough deterrent, and he doesn’t start shit.
As soon as Reggie climbs from his car and stares at us over the door, I know my hopes fly away on the breeze that’s blowing. He’s pissed, which I find fucking hilarious considering he was the one that was buried balls fucking deep inside his assistant last night. When he makes his way up the driveway, Jerica moves until she’s resting against my side. On reflex, my arm comes around her waist and I hold her to me. The slight trembles from her give me clues to how painful and scary this situation is for her. Hell, I’ve witnessed Charlie in this same position before, and she reacted the same way.
My friend is seeking protection from me against the thing that hurt her most. So, I hold her in the shelter of my arm as her brother stands sentry on the other side of her.
“What the hell is going on, Jerica?” Reggie asks when he comes to a stop in front of us. “Why are you snuggled up to Alek?” His eyes bounce all around in panic, taking in the packed vehicles before coming back to us. “You called, and he came running, huh? If you wanted to be with someone else, you could have just told me. It was only a matter of time. Ever since you told me about your all’s conversation that weekend a few years ago, I knew I’d eventually see this day.”
I snort and mutter, “Fucking hypocrite.”
The trembling in Jerica’s body finally stops and I feel the courage come over her. Before my smirk gets the chance to fully form, my body goes numb and a sudden coldness hits my core when Jerica swings around in front of me and places her lips over mine.
I find myself suddenly wrapped in weighted chains, unable to move a single part of my body as it accepts the shock of what’s happening. It’s only seconds, though they feel like fucking hours, before Jerica pulls away when she doesn’t get a response from me.
Her eyes plead with me to play the game with her, and despite the fucking anger I feel, I go along with whatever she’s got planned.
Pain shoots up my jaw from how tight I’m clenching my teeth together, creating a throbbing ache that settles behind my eyes.
“Please,” she whispers. “Just play along. I can’t let him see how much he’s hurt me.”
There’s this restrained need building inside of me to walk the fuck away and go home to Hayvin, but I’ve been best friends with David and Jerica for too long. I’ve never left them when they needed me and I’m not going to now no matter how much my body, heart, and brain are telling me to.
Jerica turns back around to face Reggie and slides back to the side of me. She grabs a hold of my hand when I try to pull my arm from around her and it’s the trembling in hers that has me sighing and leaving it in place. I lock down my emotions so that Reggie can’t read how much I’d rather not be standing where I’m at and drudge up the cocky smirk that used to be my signature in college.
“No, babe. You didn’t know you’d eventually see this day. You really are a fool if you think I’m going to let you use that as an excuse to fuck Erin,” Jerica says.
Reggie’s eyes widen and his face loses all color. His mouth flops open and closed like a fish fresh out of water as he thinks of something to say to that.
“Oh, there’s no sense in trying to use the lame excuses or convenient denials. It’s pretty hard to deny something that you hear it fucking happening in real time.”
“What?” he whispers.
Jerica’s laugh is so sharp I’m surprised I don’t see little slices against Reggie’s skin. “How cute. Your mistress didn’t tell you she called me right before you fucked her. For an hour, Reg. I had to listen to you to fuck her for a whole damn hour. Each grunt from you and breathless cry from her are permanently burnt into my brain. Thankfully, they also killed the love I’ve had for you for the last five and a half years.” She tilts her head and gives a taunting little laugh. “You’re right though. If I wanted to be with someone else, I could tell you, so Reggie, darling, this is me telling you. Go fuck yourself, because I sure in the hell won’t be doing it anymore.”
“Guess it’s a good thing me and J already brought out the last of the boxes,” David says under his breath.
A nasty smile crosses Reggie’s face and it warns me I’m not going to like what he has to say next.
“Maybe I’ll give Hayvin a call. I’m sure she’ll need a shoulder to cry on when she realizes you finally got the one you wanted. Second place sure sucks. Don’t worry, Alek. I’ll make sure she gets to experience being put first.”
The higher my anger grows, the colder I become. His words, too closely resembled to Hayvin’s and David’s, bounce off the ice I’ve encased myself in as I let a slow smile curl my lips. “I guess it’s a good thing that Hayvin always got to experience being put first. I’d sure hate for her to be bothered by someone like you.”
Reggie chuckles and folds his arms across his chest. “I see. You know, for such a smart guy, you really are fucking stupid. I’m one too, so it’s easy to recognize another. I have no excuse for what I did and I won’t try to make any. I fucked up and Jerica is the one that’s going to pay the price for it. Seems Hayvin is going to be paying for yours. You’re comforting my woman, so it’s only right that I go comfort yours. Because something tells me you leaving her for Jerica won’t be a choice she’s going to forgive you for. I might as well go set the rest of our lives on fire, yeah?” He drops his arms and turns toward Jerica. “Believe it or not, I really do love you and I am sorry. You never deserved it and I’ll never be able to give you a good enough reason why I did it. Take all the time you need to finish up. I won’t get in the way, and I won’t fight you over anything.” And then the motherfucker’s eyes come back to me. “Seems I’m going to be busy. I need to go offer comfort to someone else that’s always been second. Just so you know, what you two are doing doesn’t make you any better than me.”
When he walks back toward his car, red is the only color I see on our real life canvas. My heart races as I play his words over and over in my head.
You’re comforting my woman, so it’s only right that I go comfort yours.
I’m sure she’ll need a shoulder to cry on when she realizes you finally got the one you wanted.
You’re comforting my woman.
Right before he gets in, he glances up at me. “You came here too fast, so I know you didn’t break it off with Hayvin. Have you tried calling her? Because I bet she doesn’t answer. If she was smart, she’d be doing the same thing that J is doing now. Getting the fuck out.”
I’m frozen, watching him drive away as his words hit the mark he intended them to. There’s a huge wave of dread washing over me, and I’m mentally strapping on a life jacket because I’m finding myself swimming in uncharted territory.
No fucking way is there any truth to his damn words. He’s only saying shit to get under my skin because he thinks there is more going on with me and Jerica than there is or ever has been. They’re both in pain from Reggie’s betrayal and are creating chaos wherever they find it. They’re pulling me into that chaos, and it’s not something I want to take part in.
Have you tried calling her? Because I bet she doesn’t answer.
A guess. It’s only a guess. He can’t know that I’ve not been able to reach her. She’s just angry and hurt. I screwed up. I recognize that now. Hayvin knows I’d eventually see it, too. It’s why she agreed when I said we’d talk when I got back home.
My brain slows down and latches onto that thought as it travels back to the fight we had before I left.
She agreed, right?
Our words become a volatile soundtrack in my head as I play them back to me, trying to find that one moment I’m looking for. As each painful lyric to our song falls from the mouths of the memorized versions of ourselves, my ribs tighten, and an unsettling heaviness blooms in my chest at the realization that she never actually agreed. It’s what I wanted to hear from her, so it’s what I heard. I spoke when I should have listened, and I see now that I left when I should have stayed.
My thoughts shatter and scatter on the breeze when Jerica pulls away from me and calls my name softly. Her warm hand touches the coolness of my cheek. I recoil away with a sound of disgust. “Are we finished? Can we get the hell out of here? I want to get home to Hayvin.”
“Alek, we should talk about this. Especially the kiss,” Jerica says.
“No, Jerica, we most definitely do not need to talk about it because there is nothing to talk about. You kissed me, I didn’t respond. You needed my help, and I gave it. End of. You’re a good friend, and David is my best friend. I care a fuck ton about y’all, but right now, I really want to get home to my woman because I fucked up with her and need to fix it. So this conversation you want to have about something that means absolute shit isn’t on my priority.”
I walk away, but when I hear her rushing after me, I grind my teeth together.
“How can you say it means absolute shit?” She asks.
“Because for me, it does. You needed to do it to get your mark against him, but that wasn’t a game I agreed to. So, it was a game I didn’t respond to. It was just something I let play out, so you didn’t get hurt anymore than you already were.”
“But you used to feel something,” she argues.
“And I haven’t since that weekend.” A bitter laugh escapes before I can stop it. “How the fuck it took all of this and my fight with Hayvin to understand that I don’t think I ever really did blows my mind.” I hold the front door open for her. “So, again, can you let this fuck go so I can get back to Vin?”
“But Alek—”
“Erica, that’s fucking enough,” David snaps. “Have some goddamn respect for yourself and for his relationship. Create your chaos somewhere else, kid.”
Her face pales and she nods. “You’re right.” She then turns to me. “I’m sorry.”
I nod, and she walks off before I get the chance to say anything else. David tells me he’s going to get Jerica out the door so we can get on the road, so I head out to the truck.
Leaning back against the truck, I pullout my phone and I’m struck by the picture on my home screen. Warmth fills my chest, and a surge of longing rushes through my bloodstream. Hayvin was sitting naked in the middle of our bed, holding a sheet over her tits. She’s glancing at me over her shoulder with this soft expression on her face and a silly grin on her lips. It’s her eyes that hypnotize me the most. There was a reason I loved this picture so much and I understand now it’s because those beautiful fucking eyes of hers showed all the love she has for me.
Was I so obtuse that I didn’t see it, or have I been purposely ignoring it so I didn’t have to face it?
With a sigh, I press the call icon next to her name, expecting to hear it ring in my ear. What I got was a message telling me the person I’m trying to reach is unavailable. There’s no way. Absolutely, no way she’s got me blocked.
I try again.
And again.
And again.
Only to realise that my fucking woman has me blocked from her.
My pulse pounds in my ears, and my vision goes cloudy as Reggie’s words come back to haunt me. Without thinking, I lift my arm and let it fly, watching as my phone smacks to the concrete at my feet, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces that now resemble my fucked up life.
The reality of how big I fucked up sets in.
I could lose Hayvin if I don’t get home to fix this.
Grabbing my head in my hands, I let out an anguished roar.
Hayvin is and never was my second choice. There’s no one that could ever hold a candle to that woman, and to know that I’ve made her doubt that for the last three years breaks something inside me. I spent so much time protecting myself from that dreaded “L” word and the pain that comes with it that I ended up hurting the one person who didn’t deserve it.
And the funny thing is, no matter how hard I ran from it and no matter how much I tried to keep a distance between Hayvin and me to keep it out of our relationship, it ended up catching us anyway. And once it was brought out into the open, so were the scars I inflicted in my need to keep it out.
Whoever said love was easy is a goddamn fool.
It’s wild and tempestuous as it sweeps you away on the turbulent ride, leaving you with a destination that’s unknown.
It’s drops of wicked red that seep from the slices on your skin because you got too close to its sharp edges.
It’s sunshine and fucking rainbows combined with the electrical skies of a dark stormy night.
Love is your greatest strength, but also your ultimate weakness.
It’s your biggest win, but it can also be your most profound fail.
It makes relationships, and it also torpedos through them until you’re left standing in a pile of ashes where hearts once lied.
Love isn’t easy. It’s fucking ruthless.
But it can also be gentle and peaceful.
Love looks like Hayvin and it’s a fucking shame I was so purposely blind to it.
Last updated: June 14, 2024
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